Your religion foretells the coming of the antichrist (meaning: “instead of Christ”. Positive creates negative and anti creates not-anti), false prophet and the second coming of Jesus (Spoiler alert: antichrist = holy father + holy spirit). I’m not religious, I do not have a false prophet and I will NEVER sign a peace treaty with the middle east, it’s just none of my fucking business so I am NOT the antichrist, but I’m an optimist and when I read those myths I conclude the following:
Step 0: Peace treaties are restrictive contracts that magically disappears as soon as someone breaks it. You also do not sign peace treaties with people you trust! I don’t have a peace treaty with my neighbors either. They think I’m crazy but still like me I hope. My neighbors best friend/sister rents a house at the same corporation I do. When I buy a house I will probably rearrange a house switch first so they can live next door to each other (basically impossible to do in overcrowded Holland). However, her home address is blablastreet 666. [Beth Crowley – Battle Cry (Official Lyric Video)]. Do I really want my home address to become number 666 in these confusing times? I laughed when I noticed the number when she first offered me her home a few years ago. I was going through HELL having 25 Somalian neighbors on the other side with complete diplomatic immunity. I was literally driven crazy and was already looking for ways to kill them. Luckily they moved after 2 years, perfect timing, I cried happy tears for hours. Now a new Somalian family is rampaging a neighborhood somewhere else, my mother tells me. Any relationship? My next neighbor was also traditional African. I was so relieved, it wasn’t racism after all…
Step 1: The antichrist promises Israel and the Jews insane amounts of financial money in exchange for 1% of Israel’s BBP every year. They get permission to start planning and building after they’ve made a 3.72 billion euro transaction to the bank account number written somewhere else in this document (include the words: “to Jewish Messiah” (this is to avoid income tax in the Netherlands)). He will make a screenshot and publish the transaction to the rest of the world as proof. Avoid corruption and always be transparent! I will use it to impress a very long-haired brunette who doesn’t even know how to correctly spell the world “Nature” (she’s American. They always end at the wrong side). I’m honestly afraid she won’t like me when we meet for the first time…
Nightcore – Hard to kill (Beth Crowley) – (Lyrics)
The world owns me a debt
And now I’ve come to collect
So don’t get in my way
By the time you figure out the rules I broke
I’ve already won the game
More money for antichrist means 99x more money for the Jews, so is ok. It is almost a hundred times more so that is still really a lot of money for the Jews. This also motivates the lazy antichrist and will make him incorruptible and powerful to become even lazier. They will do everything for him no matter how ridiculous or hilarious (the world deserves some funny times. I call this penultimate phase the “hilarious phase” in divine mechanics, a fantasy science I invented, its truly insane!). 144.000 evil Jewish lawyers rampaging the American justice system would be divinely hilarious for example. Someone who puts a cat in a microwave oven should go to jail and should never be given a reward for it. Those lawsuits create ridiculous terms of services that no one will ever read so will be abused by mighty corporations to screw people over. Or proof God in atheist country the Netherlands court because the silly Dutch do not tax religious donations for only God knows what fucking reason they came up with for deciding that, never mind… No tax on donations to the church then also no tax on donations to the Jewish messiah! Seems fair, right? Or to destroy Dutch judges who think it is their job to protect criminal immigrants destroying whole fucking trains and threatening people. “NOT GUILTY because that could negatively affect his chances for permanent free money in the Netherlands.” WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fire this judge! Abuse of power! Corruption! Oh, judges can’t be fired? So they can do anything they fucking want, for forever? No matter how many bribes they’ll receive they can never be fired? FUCK ME! Well, hopefully 144.000 evil Jewish lawyers will keep them so busy for the rest of their and their family and friends lives (no need to actually win any law suits) until they resign by themselves! Evil bastards! ALL immigrants will be HATED by EVERYONE if you don’t lock up the criminal immigrants from safe countries who actually do all of the damage. KUT MARROKANEN!!! You own me and all my neighbors a new car! Don’t reward anyone for their criminal behavior. Honey and vermin stuff.
Step 2: He asks the Jews to make peace with Palestine, rebuild their newly recognized country and become best BFF-friends for always!
Step 3: Do the same for the rest of the middle east and whoever else hates you, I honestly have no clue. I’ve met two Jewish people in my life that I know of. A former coworker that converted to Jewishism (lucky her!) and a really cute American student girl on the lab not so long ago. I like them both so I don’t know any evil Jews. I considered them silly American stereotypes and I actually deeply respect their financial minds (shown in American comedy, I don’t know how they are in real life), just like mine. I only know the Jewish stereotype from American comedy, but I never take an American opinion very seriously, neither does the rest of the world I presume.
Step 4: Muslims will be so grateful that they decide the move the “Dome of the rock” on top of that holy hill in Jerusalem 100 meters to the side (or just raise another part of that stupid hill to become a bit higher, I was expecting a gigantic mountain when I googled it last month. Stop complaining).
Step 5: Jews will build a big solid marble throne or whatever (metal gets hot and I think it should be white in a hot country) that will last at least a 1000-years of wear and tear on the top of the very important hill.
Step 6: They will build a gigantic third Jewish temple, so big that both Islamic sanctuaries turn into sacred holy Islamic shrines inside the new third Jewish temple. This will symbolize pure symbiosis between Jews and Muslims and also winks to Palestine inside Israel and Israel inside the middle east. A Beautiful symbiosis between the two biggest religious assholes on the planet. When they unite the rest will follow. Maybe the Muslims will even dig up that penultimate ark of Covenant. The final Covenant is a human girl, a really cute one. The first one on earth is a rock of limestone (first civilization on earth) in a cave in Jerusalem somewhere I think, right next to Noah and panspermia, a Jerusalem thingy. Reporters: “There is nothing here…” HAHAHA, I ROFL’ed so loudly. He was sticking his hand inside the limestone ark of covenant but couldn’t find the rock he was sitting on. They couldn’t find another ark underneath the ark either… The penultimate ark of covenant contains an old Thora I think, buried beneath that weird cube the Muslims always circle. I seriously doubt this one, I just dreamt that my old 486-computer containing all information of the universe was buried in there. This makes no fucking sense, I know, but I’m just so curious that I just had to mention this here somehow. I won’t go to the middle east though, especially not now. No thanks but please check yourselves.
Step 7: It’s just a small hill but plenty of space for sanctuaries of all other religions. Let them build something on your mountain too. Will make the Jews even richer, so is ok.
Step 8: Three religions in Jerusalem? Why not all? Keep them in separate neighborhoods though, they don’t mix so well. Will make the Jews even richer so is ok.
Step 9: Separate Jerusalem from the rest of Israel. Make Israel completely Jewish and protect your religion. Turn off powerplants on Saturdays if your citizens let you. One extremely rich Jewish country. Everyone will want to live there. Only allow Jews to keep the only Jewish country on earth as Jewish as possible. You are rich, you make the rules (at home).
Step 10: Have tourist friendly laws for Jerusalem. It has to become the number one touristic destination in the universe and the antichrist probably wants to use this city to educate every tourist who wants to learn about every religion in the same city. This will make the Jews even richer (infinite tourism) so is ok.
Step 11: Appoint an atheist (no religion so completely neutral over all others, he just doesn’t care) puppet as king of the earth, but do not hand over any power to that function. Ceremonial only so the Jews will still remain in full control over Israel (Tel Aviv) AND Jerusalem.
Nightcore – Empire (Beth Croley) – (Lyrics)
I’m gonna build me an empire
It’s my destiny, I was born to play this game
So fear me or love me
It’s all the same
Step 12: Have a magical Coronation ceremony.
Step 13: Jesus magically appears from the sky and destroys ANY army in the vicinity of Jerusalem so make sure no Jewish soldiers are present. The antichrist obviously doesn’t have an army and why the fuck would he bring one to a peaceful coronation in a scary middle eastern country. I doubt that any other country would bring their armies to such an event in Israel either, so the only army Jesus could be talking about is the Jewish Israeli army, the people who crucified him right before he was teleported 2000 years into the future. He doesn’t like Jews or anyone walking around with his corpse on a cute cross, I would guess.
Step 13: Jesus walks to the antichrist and yells: “Daddy!!! Finally, I’ve found you!”. I mean, I’ve never read a bible myself but Jesus always seemed to be really excited about some holy father. Not the holy spirit, but always the holy father. He also kept saying that only the holy father (not even him or the holy spirit, only the holy father) would know when this day would come. Well, don’t you think the antichrist has a say in when he will be coronated? Who else will pick that date? The holy father perhaps? Also nice for Jesus after suddenly appearing in a nutty future where everyone behaves weird around him. Does he have a toothbrush? An email address? Where does he sleep? Would be really nice to meet his new parents after such a stressful experience. Have medics and a translator of whatever people spoke 2000 years ago ready, just in case. Make the temple on the gigantic mountain wheel chair accessible. Good for tourists too, makes the Jews richer so is ok.
Step 14: Everyone thinks this is ridiculous, but now there are three people with blood, DNA and in the same room all happening on live global tv. Because I guess many people will want to watch this all on tv at the same time. Everyone knows that this antichrist pretender can’t be the father of some magical son magically falling from the sky on life television and his new girlfriend could impossibly be the holy mother. They just met so they don’t have a 2000 year old baby who looks like 33! Period!
Step 15: Scientists of course don’t believe any of this crap but countless of DNA tests will confirm that Jesus is their genetical son. 100% accuracy, it’s a miracle but very awkward (weird, right?). It does explain Gods power called “The reverse butterfly effect”. Just by moving some atoms around and knowing the future you can copy a genetic sequence over 2000 years. No biological relationship but all DNA letters just coincidentally line up perfectly. What are the odds of that? Low, ask a geneticist, but no evidence to a real scientist. Well fuck you! You don’t have to believe this crap but this was the best God could do for you, you sucky whiners. Let’s also do a “Lord of the rings Frodo kneel”. People love that kind of shit. Let’s all jump next or the Chinese people only and answer those geological questions while we’re at it. Any more good/funny suggestions?
Step 16: The antichrist abdicates after an hour. Fuck ruling and people who all jump at once for you after only a single command you wrote 3.5 years earlier, but king of the earth will get you a lot of chicks even if it was only for an hour. Now he suddenly has a son too who conveniently, is already loved by everyone. He never really wanted to raise children anyway, this way was just more practical to avoid all that baby stuff. Perfect, you do the ruling my (foolish) son, see you at Christmas! PS: Ease up on that sin shit please, thank you.
Step 17: Jesus realizes that sitting on a throne all day is just a waste of precious time. Only royalty can sit on a royal throne, but the divine throne is for the people. Why not open the throne to tourists who want to sit on it and have their pictures taken? Like a Game of Thrones exhibition! Ask those organizers for advice before designing the temple, you only have one throne (what are the other 12 for? King Arthur and his knights?) and a lot of people want to pay a lot of money to sit on it. Will make Jews even richer so is ok. Install a couple of camera’s around the throne and livestream and record everything happing at the throne for easy copying movies and pictures online. Have some digital camera’s ready that make a picture every 10 seconds and publish them all free online so that people won’t have to search for their own camera’s and have time to make funny faces or making crazy demands to their enemies from the divine throne of God. Kids love that kind of shit. Make it big so more people can sit on it at once. Less time needed on the throne per tourist means more ticket sales means Jews will be even richer so is ok.
Step 18: Promise the Jews that you will leave that heavy chair in the temple for at least a 1000 years. Move it to a tropical island after and invite lots of long-haired, sexy, bikini babes, call it Valhalla.